The faith to not be healed

My uncle gave my dad an eternity ring last night. It's what Joseph Smith wore to symbolize eternity, and my uncle Ron gave one to my dad. He said, "Never take it off, because we are eternal brothers". This photo is of Ron and my dad wearing it, alongside their other two brothers Terry and Wade.

My dad is done. We just use bench marks now, and yesterday he said, "No more pills, I'm done". Yesterday my dad's entire family (all siblings, nieces, nephews...) came together for Oktoberfest. It's a party my parents throw every year, but this one was definitely different. We said a family prayer all together, and my mom told me she thinks he was waiting for this night. And now he's done.

I'm not sure if it will be days, weeks or even months. But I know it's close. I spoke with my bishop about it yesterday, but I still felt broken. I cry every day, and sometimes when I'm falling asleep. I'm getting headaches every day now. And I'm just sad and exhausted.

I'm hesitant to make plans, because I don't want to miss anything. I don't want to interview for my masters program, because I don't want to be caught up in school when he might pass. I don't want to attend parties, or think of Thanksgiving, my birthday or Christmas...because I'm not sure if my dad will be there. People always say, "well tell him to stick it to them. To fight. Don't give up hope." But it's not. He's been fighting for too long. And he's done. And we just have to watch now. And it hurts.

I do know though, that the Savior is here. In an earlier post I mentioned Elder Hallstrom's general conference talk. I reread it yesterday, and this section struck me again.

"Elder David A. Bednar once asked a young man who had requested a priesthood blessing, “If it is the will of our Heavenly Father that you are transferred by death in your youth to the spirit world to continue your ministry, do you have the faith to submit to His will and not be healed?” Do we have the faith “not [to] be healed” from our earthly afflictions so we might be healed eternally?

A critical question to ponder is “Where do we place our faith?” Is our faith focused on simply wanting to be relieved of pain and suffering, or is it firmly centered on God the Father and His holy plan and in Jesus the Christ and His Atonement? Faith in the Father and the Son allows us to understand and accept Their will as we prepare for eternity.

Today I testify of miracles. Being a child of God is a miracle. Receiving a body in His image and likeness is a miracle. The gift of a Savior is a miracle. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is a miracle. The potential for eternal life is a miracle.

While it is good to pray for and work for physical protection and healing during our mortal existence, our supreme focus should be on the spiritual miracles that are available to all of God’s children. No matter our ethnicity, no matter our nationality, no matter what we have done if we repent, no matter what may have been done to us—all of us have equal access to these miracles. We are living a miracle, and further miracles lie ahead."

I don't know what it means to have the faith to not be healed, but it makes me turn back to the Atoning act of Jesus Christ, and the role our Heavenly Father had to play in that. In the Garden of Gethsemane, God had to withdraw Himself, even from Jesus Christ. I'm sure there, and on the cross, he had those same questions that we ask ourselves when we are seeking healing and miracles. But maybe God, in a sense, had to say to our Savior, "Do you have the faith to not be healed? Do you have the faith that even if I don't come to you, that this act will be enough? Do you have the faith that all will become right because of this sacrifice?" That is the phase we are in right now. Where we ask questions, and He questions us back. But the ultimate example is that after the questioning, after all the pain and sorrow, He said, "not my will, but Thine". To ME that is the ultimate example of the faith to not be healed.

I know my dad will be healed one day, but it will be in the Resurrection, where we are reunited with each other and our Savior, Jesus Christ. For now, we can just appreciate that we are blessed with such a celestial dad here on earth. And that is our miracle.